Chapter 1:

                “I want you,” he told me, reaching out to hold my hand. “I’ve wanted to tell you for the longest time. I think I love you.”

                I pulled away, shocked into silence. Voices of reason thundered through my head, all of them telling me that this couldn’t be. He couldn’t really mean it. After what seemed like forever, I looked back into his eyes. I’d seen him lie before. I knew all of his expressions down to the last detail, and he was not lying to me. His absolute honesty filled me with a feeling I couldn’t describe.

                In a rush of movement, I took his hand in mine and pulled him close. Pressing his lips against my own, all I could think about was how I wished I could have worked up the courage to say his very words. I’d never felt so nervous in all my life. This was it. This was the moment.

                “I-I think I love you too, Chuck.”

                “Hey! Hey, Pierre, what’s that you’re writing?” David hopped onto the couch beside me. “Not those forums again. What’s up with you and those, huh? It’s all just a big joke.”

                A warmth crept up the back of my neck, but David didn’t pay any attention.

                “What was it you were writing?” he asked, “A story about some love affair between the guys in the band?”

                I shot him a look. “Shut up!”

                “Heh, I’m just kidding you, Pierre, that stuff is all a load of crap anyway. Sick stuff the fans write for a laugh or whatever,” he smiled and shook his head, “You know, I once read something about me and you making out backstage- like that  would ever happen!”

                I managed to laugh along with him, quickly closing the forum window on my laptop in the process.

                “You’re not my type anyway,” he jumped over the back of the couch and headed to the fridge for a beer. I just rolled my eyes. What a tease.

                “You want to play some Guitar Hero?” I tried to change the subject. I got up and turned the X-Box on anyway, knowing he probably wouldn’t pass up the offer.

                “Yeah, sure. Might as well.” He set down two bottles of beer on the table. “I’m so going to own you, you know.”

                “Whatever.”

                We played for a good half hour before I gave up. I just didn’t have it in me. My mind kept on wandering back to the story. It all seemed like a dream. The music from the game made screeching noises as I fumbled, and David shook his head.

                “Man, you’re not even watching the screen!” he pushed my face back in the direction of the TV, averting my gaze from the window. “What’s with you, Pi? You’re all spacey.”

                “I dunno,” I mumbled, finally hitting a few notes, “Just tired, I guess. And nervous for the concert coming up.”

                “Sure, sure.” I could tell he didn’t believe me. It wasn’t usually me that worried about our shows, that was normally Chuck’s thing. “You want to jam later? That might take your mind off the nerves.”

                “Yeah, I guess so,” I told him. “Maybe later this afternoon or something.”

                “’Kay,” he nodded, now firmly directing his attention at the TV as he max combo-ed his current song. “Awesome! You see that?! High score! High score! Ownage, man. Pure ownage right there.”

                “Yeah, yeah,” I pulled myself up from the couch and shuffled towards the fridge, “You want another beer?”

                David gave me a funny look that I couldn’t quite figure out. I think it had to do with my drinking habits, which had gotten a lot more frequent in the past few weeks.

                “Nah, I’ll pass.” He selected the single player mode on the game and started acing ‘Cliffs of Dover’.

                The beer sizzled as I popped off the cap. Half way through the bottle, I started getting a comforting buzz in my head. It took the edge away from my mixed feelings and made me forget for a few seconds why I was so out of it.

                A car door slammed from the driveway. ‘Oh, that’s why.’ I remembered.

                Two guys stumbled through the front door, laughing and pulling off their sunglasses.

                “Oh, Pierre, you just HAD to go see that movie with us!” Jeff kicked away his shoes and grabbed the spare Guitar Hero controller from beside David. “Friggin hilarious.”

                “Yeah, like that part with the guy and the gunfight with the bad guy! Holy crap that was good,” Chuck wandered into the kitchen with a huge smile. He gave me a wave and then bent down for a look in the fridge. Pretty graceful, for a drummer. Pushing around a few cans and bottles, he couldn’t seem to make up his mind on what he wanted. I leaned against the counter and watched him search.

                “We gotta go shopping soon,” he muttered to himself, “Nothing good in here.”

                I nodded, but he wasn’t watching.

                “I was planning on going out some time,” I told him, “Want to come?”

                I hoped Chuck didn’t hear the nervousness creep into my voice. He stood back up and closed the fridge.

                “Sure,” he shrugged, “But you’ll have to drive.”

                “No trouble there,” I smiled, but when I made my way back to the living room, I had a hard time keeping a straight pace. I swayed to and fro, finally gripping the back of a couch for support.

                “Hey, you alright?” Chuck asked, “Jeez, Pi, you been drinking again?”

                “I only gave him one beer!” David attempted in defense of his situation, “This isn’t my fault. I didn’t know how much he drank before that! I just got up a while ago!”

                “It’s 2:30 in the afternoon!” Jeff rolled his eyes.

                “Duh, exactly,” was David’s response.

                Chuck came up beside me, ready to give me support if I fell down.

                “How much did you drink?” he asked quietly.

                I shook my head. I honestly couldn’t remember. My head buzzed nicely and I felt good, but the look of concern on Chuck’s face made me wonder just how bad I looked.

                “You didn’t sleep again,” he said for only me to hear. I looked up, shocked. I had no clue that anyone knew I hadn’t been sleeping lately. But Chuck was more aware of that kind of thing, he’d always been that way. He grabbed my arm. “Come on, you need to go to bed.”

                Chuck half dragged me to my room, as I struggled to remain upright on my own.

                “I’m sorry,” I slurred, “Didn’t mean it to get this way.”

                He nodded with what I hoped was understanding. ‘God, his eyes are beautiful’ was all I could think. But they looked better when he was happy, and something told me he wasn’t the smiling guy he was a few minutes ago. Chuck lifted me onto the bed. I almost laughed at that. Finally, he got to use all that muscle he built up working out at the gym all year. I could still beat him in a fight, though.

                “Night, Pi,” he stood up and shut off the lights, “You sleep this off. You’ll have hell to pay later.”

                I grimaced at his words. Too many early mornings with hangovers did that to you. You knew what was coming. It wouldn’t be good. But secretly I smiled, filled with happiness knowing that he did care about me. I just wished it wasn’t only in a friend way- but that was only fiction, right?

Chapter 2:

                I woke up late into the night- or perhaps very, very early in the morning- with a massive migraine and a stomach full of sick. There wasn’t any surprise there, but I groaned anyway and tried to drag myself out of bed. This turned out to be a lot harder than I expected. The floor seemed to spin when I looked down at it, but I couldn’t walk without falling if I didn’t. Blood pounded in my skull. Eventually, I just clamped my mouth closed and pushed myself up, quickly bracing myself against the wall. I did my best to rush to the bathroom, but it turned out to be a slow shuffle. The house was dark, and I expected that the guys were out bowling or partying. Knowing them, they’d be doing both.

                The bathroom flooded with light as I flicked the switch. A sharp pain stabbed into my head, but I tried to ignore it. Two feet more and I could get the terrible alcohol out of my system. Two feet seemed like two miles at that point. I dropped to my knees and did the best to make whatever mess I was about to make a clean one. I think I’d gotten quite good at it by then. Having that many hangovers in the past few weeks had made me an expert at it, but that wasn’t much to be proud of.

                When I finished, I leaned back and dropped onto my butt. I had my back to the wall and it was soothing to close my eyes for a few minutes alone and sit in silence. I was pretty sure that it was still dark out, and I assumed the guys would be home hours later. It was amazing how quiet the house was without David around- he could be a bit of a loudmouth sometimes. I yawned loudly, stretching and reaching for a towel hanging from the rack above me. I gripped the dry, fuzzy material and yanked it down. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to bed, and I didn’t really know how I’d be feeling if I got up again, so I wrapped the towel around my shoulders as a blanket and closed my eyes. I didn’t expect to fall asleep, especially since I did before, but it was easier to block out the light.

                Something smashed. The noise echoed down the hallway along with a few cuss words. So someone else was home. It sounded like they were doing the dishes; a tap started running and I could hear plates clinking together. ‘Who would be crazy enough to do dishes this early in the morning?’ I wondered. It must have only been 2:30 AM at the earliest, and I didn’t think it was much later than that. Well, if I was a cat I’d be dead, but the worst that could happen to abate my curiousity would be another heave down the drain. I didn’t like the thought of that, but it was 2:30 in the morning and I could care less.

                Using the counter, I pulled myself to my feet, and shut my eyes as my head swam. My stomach growled angrily and I knew my body was punishing me for drinking so much. I just wasn’t used to it. Getting blasted had never been my thing before, but now it seemed like the only option. I felt better about myself when I was drunk- not afterwards, mind- but while I was drunk I wasn’t that loser who could never get with the guy he loved. I felt cool. That was something I couldn’t get anymore, I just wasn’t cool. I hated myself because of it, but I hated hangovers too.

                The light from the kitchen at the end of the hallway had never felt so welcoming. It could have been a stranger who broke into my house to do the dishes and I wouldn’t care. I just wanted to sit down with a good, cold glass of vodk- NO, I meant water. My mouth was parched and sour and my tongue felt rough. My mind wanted the buzz of alcohol again, but I knew that would only make things worse. I pushed through the doorway into the kitchen and slumped into a chair at the table. I didn’t bother looking at the person cleaning up the broken glass on the floor. I’d started feeling dizzy again, and I lay my head down on the tabletop, my hands clasping onto my pounding head. It was one of the worst migraines I had ever gotten, now made even more so from all the moving around the house.

                “Sorry ‘bout the glass,” a voice broke through the thudding in my head. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

                “Wassup,” I coughed, gagging at the acidy taste in the back of my throat.

                I heard the tap turn on again and then off. “Here, take this.”

                I cracked open one eye to see a glass of water and a few aspirins set on the table beside me. I didn’t want to look any further than that, even though something inside me longed to. Some thought had told me Chuck would stay while the others went out, I just wasn’t sure I wanted to believe it. I downed the glass and the pills in a few steady gulps.

                “You look terrible, Pierre,” I knew Chuck was staring at me, but I didn’t bother meeting his eyes. “You really shouldn’t be drinking like this. I sound like an asshole saying it, but, even for the fans, you’ve got to quit it. What ever happened to ‘Untitled’ and supporting M.A.D.D.?”

                I didn’t say anything. He was right, of course. We had a lot of support from younger fans, and our song, ‘Untitled’, was basically an ad against drunk driving. It wasn’t good for kids to look up to someone with an alcohol abuse problem.

                “The other guys weren’t really sure how to say it before, they like to party too, but it’s gone too far. You never used to be a heavy drinker, Pi. What happened?” I could tell he was genuinely concerned for me, but the thought of spilling everything to him had my heart racing.

                “I just dunno anymore,” I mumbled, “I want to stop-“

                “Something’s gotten into you,” Chuck commented as he pulled up a chair across from me. “What is it? You know I’ll help you out.”

                “I don’t think you can help me with this...”

                “Why not?” he sounded worried now, “Look, Pi, if you’re in some kind of trouble, we’ll get you out of it. Is something wrong at home, or is it-“

                “It’s nothing,” my chest ached saying it, “Really, I’m fine.”

                “You’re lying, Pi,” he shook his head, “Don’t think I can’t tell.”

                I groaned and thumped my head against the table, sheltering my face with my crossed arms. I mumbled something incoherent and hoped he didn’t hear me.

                “What was that?” he asked.

                I peeked out from the folds of my arms and stared up at him with bloodshot, tired, and lovesick eyes.

                “I think I’ve fallen in love,” I told him.

Chapter 3:

                We went shopping today,just me and him. People gave us sidelong glances as we passed by. His hand felt coarse and caloused against my own. I grinned. ‘That’s my drummer boy,’ I thought, squeezing his hand. Everything had gone perfectly; no screaming fans, no confrontations, heck- there hadn’t even been traffic. I’d never felt so free in my entire life.

                In the car, hands at twelve and nothing, I drove with my Chuck beside me. All I wanted was to pull over and hold him close, feel him in my arms, but at the moment, I was content to shoot him longing looks at every stoplight.

                “Pierre,” he said- God I loved hearing his voice, “I have an idea.”

                My eyebrows shot up. “Oh,” I smirked, “What do you have in mind?”

                He shook his head and laughed, “Not that kind of idea.”

                I mimicked a disappointed face, but I could care less what we were doing as long as I was with him.

                “So...what were you thinking?” I asked.

                “Turn left.”

                Well, that’s how I wanted my day to go. I wanted to spend every minute with Chuck, just being with him and listening to him, and holding him. That was all I wanted, but with how it was going these days, I wasn’t much into telling others what I wanted. I’d told Chuck I thought I’d fallen in love, and he seemed relieved. He probably thought someone had died and I had kept it to myself. Not too many questions were asked, and I didn’t really answer most of them. I made it seem like I was tired and my head still hurt. Really, I didn’t feel nearly so hungover, but I didn’t let him know that. We sat on the couch in the living room together for a while, each asking every few minutes what the other thought was on TV at that time. Neither of us bothered to reach for the remote. It was 3:40 AM exactly when Chuck slumped over on the arm of the couch and fell asleep. For the next 23 minutes, all I could do was watch him breathe.

                It wasn’t long before I picked up my laptop from the coffee table and began to write. Maybe it was the inspiration in the room or the availability of something to do or my addiction to forum browsing. Whatever it was, I went on and poured my soul out to anonymous fans all over the world and they didn’t have a clue. I got lots of replies, all from fangirls wanting more- no doubt wanting to read something a little explicit in the story. I couldn’t write that, so I ignored them all and did some more browsing of my own. Apparently, in other stories, David and I had gotten married and adopted a kid, Seb and Chuck were having oral sex, and Jeff and some random camera man were doing the wild thing after one of our shows. It was amazing how crazy these posts were becoming. Soon we’d be doing it while skydiving or start divorcing each other and arguing over who got to keep the furnature. They had to run out of ideas some time, though, it was hard to tell when that would happen.

                I was half-way through a post when I started to drift off. It hadn’t been easy to sleep in the past few weeks, but the presence of Chuck’s light breathing soothed me and I found it hard to keep my eyes open. I wanted to drift asleep on top of him, but I began leaning the other way. Before I could change positions, I was out like a light.

                “We watched the sunset together,” someone laughed, “Sitting on a grassy ledge of a cliff face, we saw the sky change colours. I nearly jumped as his arm wrapped around me and my heart beat rapid fire. Leaning into him, I smiled, finally knowing what it was like to be truly loved.”

                “Keep reading, keep reading,” another urged, “This is hilarious!”

                “His eyes reflected the dark orange of the sun, his face shadowed by the coming darkness. I didn’t bother to hold myself back. Kissing him, I pulled his body closer. Locked in our embrace, I didn’t ever want to let him go.”

                “Man, that’s deep,” someone joked, “You sure that was him writing it?”

                “Come on, RoleLedoM? That’s him.”

                My eyes snapped open. There was David, Seb and Jeff all huddled around my laptop on the other couch, scrolling down and grinning like cats. I jumped to my feet, stumbling over the coffeetable to grab my computer from David’s grasp. He pulled away, shocked, holding the laptop over his head.

                “Woah, man, jeez, calm down!” David smirked.

                I tried to grab my laptop again, but he held it higher.

                “Give it to me, you ass!” I glared at him and tried to swipe it.

                Seb and Jeff didn’t quite know how to react. They just sat there, not sure whether to laugh or look shocked.

                “Shh Shhh,” David put a finger to his lips, “You wouldn’t want to wake him, would you?”

                I turned to Chuck in panic, expecting to see him up and questioning, but he just rolled over and continued snoring quietly.

                “Give me my laptop,” I hissed, “Right now!”

                “Or what?” he laughed.

                My fist tightened. I’d never wanted to hit someone so bad in my entire life. David was annoying, but he’d never gone this far. I shook my head and loosened my grip.

                “I’ve got an idea,” David shut the window on my laptop and closed it up, “I’ll give you your computer back if you quit drinking.”

                “I’ve got a better idea,” I growled, “You give me back my computer or I’ll kick your ass.”

                “Hey, that’s going too far, Pierre,” Jeff cut in, “We’re not asking much.”

                “You’re going over the top!” said Sebastien, “This is crazy. Just stop getting so drunk. You don’t have to stop completely, just don’t drink so much.”

                They all nodded. The odds were against me. If I started in on David, they’d all be on me. I couldn’t win a fight three against one.

                “Fuck it,” I turned and walked to the door. Slamming my feet into my shoes, I heaved the door open and took off down the street. If they were going to tell Chuck about my stories online, they would anyway. It wouldn’t do much for me to argue with them. It was my fault. I should have closed down my computer before I started to drift off. If they hadn’t found it on, they wouldn’t have been so curious about what I was writing. Knowing David, the secret couldn’t be kept quiet for long.

Chapter 4:

                A can cluttered down the street. One, two, three, four steps and it was flying forward again. Four steps more and I aimed another hard blow. Each time, I felt myself get more and more distant from what just happened and more and more intent on sending the pop can flying. Thoughts kept flooding in of how much I needed a drink right then. But I was blocks away from the house, and I wasn’t planning on going back any time soon. Birds chirped from a nearby tree and a light wind whistled through the trees. There was a park with swings just up the street- the one that was always deserted unless a gang had no better place to vandalize. In our neighbourhood, there weren’t too many kids around, but older teens clumped in large groups, long outgrown the playground.

                A lone swing screeched back and forth. The one that used to be beside it was gone and another was wrapped so many times around the top pole that it was nearly impossible to get down without a ladder. I sat down and kicked at the sand. I swung slowly back and forth, looking down and then looking up to the sky.

                There was always the risk of someone I knew reading what I wrote online, I just hoped it would never happen. I’d spent too much time on the forums, though. It had seemed pretty obvious that I was up to something. I should have hid it better.

                A car door slammed from the street across from the park and someone ran towards the swing set. They stood beside the swing as I went up, higher and higher. I knew they were there, but I ignored them. I didn’t want to talk to him.

                “Look, Pierre, I’m sorry, okay?” David shuffled and shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “I shouldn’t have read your stuff. But I meant what I said about the drinking thing. You need to stop. We’ll just stop buying booze for a while or something. We’ll all just slow down on the drinking- the whole band, okay?”

                “You’re a real jerk, you know that, David?” I glared, “A real asshole. You want to know why I’ve been drinking? Whatever, who cares anyway? You’ve probably already told Chuck.”

                “Hey, hey- wait a second here!” he shook his head, “I haven’t told him anything. I’ve been driving around looking for you after you took off! Seb and Jeff won’t say anything. Jeez, Pi, don’t worry about it.”

                “Don’t worry about it?!” I slammed my feet into the sand and jerked the swing to a halt, “Don’t worry about it? You just don’t get it, do you? Those things I write aren’t just crap, okay? They’re not. I really like him and you might have just ruined that.”

                “I said I’m sorry. I’m not going to tell him anything, I promise,” he grabbed one of the chains of my swaying swing. “Hey, Pi, it’s alright if you’re gay. There’s nothing wrong with that. The band isn’t going to freak and split up because of it, alright? That’s not going to happen. I’m sure Chuck would understand too.”

                I stared at the sand, “I’m not ready to tell him yet.”

                “Then I wont say a word,” he promised again.

                “Good,” I nodded, “because if you did, you’d be dead, David Desrosiers, you hear me?”

                “I hear you, Pi,” he smiled. “You coming back with me? I’ll make breakfast.”

                “You? Making breakfast?” I shuddered. “Forget it. I’ll make us all pancakes.”

                The drive back home was reasonably quiet; there wasn’t too much to say. I turned the radio up for a while, getting lost in the music for a few moments, but it really wasn’t that long before we got back. David jumped out of the car and was about to run up to the doorway when he realized that I hadn’t moved. I just sat in my seat, wondering how much Jeff and Sebastien could have told Chuck in the time I was away. Growing impatient, David opened my door and pulled me out of the car.

                “No one has said anything,” he hissed, “Just come inside.”

                I complied, following him into the house and kicking off my shoes. Right away, I made a beeline for the kitchen with Seb trailing behind me. He’d be full of more promises, I imagined, but it was impossible to keep something like that secret for so long. One of the three would spill the beans. I grabbed a bowl and the ingredients for pancakes out of the cupboard, measuring parts of flour and eggs into the mix.

                “Hey, Pi-“

                “I know what you’re going to say,” I told Seb, “I’ve known you guys for a long time, okay? But that still doesn’t change this. You’ve probably either told Chuck everything already or will soon. I get it. Just leave me alone.”

                “I was actually just going to ask if you wanted me to heat the pan on the stove,” he smiled.

                “Oh,” I was shocked at the change of conversation. I still had thoughts of what had happened flowing through my head and he was just trying to be helpful. “Um, sure, that would help a lot. Thanks.”

                “No problem,” he turned on the stove and placed the pan on top of the burner. “If you knew us all so well, then you’d know we would never say things that would hurt you, Pierre.”

                I looked down into the pancake mix I was stirring. It was thick and runny with a few bubbles rising to the top. I nodded slightly, but wasn’t sure if Seb noticed.

                “Where is he?” I asked.

                “Where’s who?” a voice asked from behind me. “Mmmmm pancakes. That looks great, Pi, but I think you’re missing something.”

                “Huh?” I turned to see Chuck, “W-what do you mean?”

                “Chocolate.”

                He then proceeded to dump nearly a whole bag of chocolate chips into the pancake batter, making it even thicker than before.

                “Perfect,” he said, grabbing a few extra pieces  and munching them happily.

                I just stood in surprise for a few moments before I realized the stove was probably hot enough to cook the pancakes and I brought the bowl over to it.

                “Where did you get those chocolate chips?” I asked, “I could have sworn we were out.”

                “Shh,” Chuck held a finger to his lips, “They’re from David’s secret stash.”

                “Aw, man, he’s going to be so pissed!” Seb took out a few plates from the cupboard. “You know he’s going to notice.”

                “Not right away, he isn’t,” said Chuck through a mouthful of more chocolate.

                “Come on! You know David and his choc-“

                “WHO THE HELL STOLE MY CHOCOLATE?!” David ran into the room with a black cardboard box. “It’s gone! We’ve been broken into, guys, someone call the cops.”

                “A robber wouldn’t steal your chocolate, dumbass. The TV is still here, isn’t it?” I asked, grabbing the nearly empty bag from Chuck and shoving it into a drawer.

                “THE TV? THEY TOOK THE TV TOO?” as he pushed passed us, we tried to hold in our laughter. Chuck was first to collapse.

                “Nice one, Pi!” he came up behind me and put an arm around my shoulder. “That was hilarious.”

                I shivered at his touch and laughed nervously, spilling a bit of the pancake mix on the counter as I tried to pour some into the pan. Three pancakes fit into the pan each time I poured. I’d flip them as soon as the bottoms were a golden brown- the same colour as Chuck’s eyes. When it came to using up the last of the mix, I poured the rest into a huge pancake, covering the top of the pan. I tossed it on a plate when it was done.

                “Here, Chuck, this one’s for you,” I handed him the plate, “Extra chocolate.”

                “Nice, thanks,” he said before taking the plate and digging into the hot pancake.

                David was grumbling when he came into the kitchen. I guessed he’d found out the TV hadn’t been taken and that the smell of chocolate had given him the answer as to where his stash went.

                “Hey, we’ve got some pancakes for you,” Seb held him up a plate, “You want some?”

                David muttered something and stared at the plate. I poured him a glass of chocolate milk and that seemed to cheer him up. Jeff came in a while later and had some breakfast too. I didn’t bother starting into mine until I’d cleaned all the dishes, and by that time everyone else had gone their own way.

                “Need some help with those?” Chuck said, grabbing the last pan and drying it.

                I nodded my thanks and finally sat down with my food. Eating the still warm pancakes, I noticed that Chuck was drying the pan a lot slower than usual.

                “Hey, I was just wondering if you want to hang out or something today,” he finally put the dry pan into the cupboard, “I’m not sure what the others are doing, but I think they’re getting tired of driving me around.”

                “Sure,” I smiled. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad day after all.